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More one liners [message #298057] Fri, 28 July 2017 10:33 Go to next message
Gearbox is currently offline  Gearbox   United Kingdom
Messages: 5498
Registered: January 2004
Location: Beds (UK)
(14) Eddie Lawson
Jethro says to Denzel, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voice-mail ya fool!"
------------------------------ ---
Jethro says "Denzal, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
"Blow that" says Denzel; "have you seen how many of their owners go
blind?"
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19 Irishmen go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of
you?"
Seamus replies, "The film said 18 or over."
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
------------------------------ --
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
------------------------------ ---
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
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I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
------------------------------ ----
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London
...
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
------------------------------ ----
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and
realized she was just on standby.
------------------------------ ------
The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no
reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change"
------------------------------ -------
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse
the bloody thing!
------------------------------ -------
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.
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Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could
eat it!
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A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has
been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman
The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you,
today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."
------------------------------ --------
An Asian fellow has moved in next door.
He has traveled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and
climbed the highest mountain.
It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Re: More one liners [message #298060 is a reply to message #298057] Fri, 28 July 2017 18:50 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Kermit is currently offline  Kermit   United Kingdom
Messages: 23066
Registered: June 2003
Location: Yorkshire
(22) Giacomo Agostini
some good ones there Thumbs Up Laugh
Re: More one liners [message #298062 is a reply to message #298060] Fri, 28 July 2017 19:38 Go to previous message
spagiratwink is currently offline  spagiratwink   United Kingdom
Messages: 411
Registered: January 2016
Location: Morecambe
(4) WSS Racer
I'm putting some of these to memory for future use Thumbs Up
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